Happy New Years! Already 2023 is gone and we are entering a whole new cycle around the sun. I’m not usually much of a ‘New Year’s Resolution Girl’ because I feel like I spend a lot of time throughout the year setting myself new markers, milestones, and magnetic goals as I hit previous ones. I don’t wait for the New Year anymore because I hear my dad in my head saying, ‘no time like the present’.

But it hasn’t always been like this for me. I was, and sometimes still am the person that struggles with hitting goals because I struggle to make and keep routines. However, I’ve spent a lot of time over the last few years figuring out what works for me.

We all know the pattern: January first sees an upswing in ‘New Year, New Me’, and by February more than half of us have fallen off the bandwagon. I even went through several years of ‘I’m not even going to set a Resolution because I know I won’t keep it’. In honor of New Years, I want to talk about setting goals. More specifically setting Magnetic Goals. With consistency and work, every day can be New Year’s.

None of this is anything I came up with. I am no expert or guru. I don’t have a degree in psychology or credentials to back it. But I do have my own experiences, several years of trial, error, and frustration figuring out what works for me. As well as lots of books, workshops, counseling, and classes to pull from. I’m hoping I can save you from some of the same frustrations so that you can learn to set Magnetic Goals yourself. At the bottom of this article, you will find a list of some of those resources.

The problem with Setting Goals…

One of my biggest obstacles with ADHD is feeling easily overwhelmed, which leads to executive dysfunction and decision paralysis…that can make it very hard to meet goals. As a result, I spent a lot of time referring to myself as “A quitter” or “An Idea Hopper”. If you speak that over yourself often enough- it can really undermine your confidence over time. It becomes its own self-fulfilling prophecy.

So how do we avoid this?

We leverage magnetism in our goal setting.

Think about how magnets work. Have you ever tried to force together opposing sides of a set of magnets? When the Polarity is off, nothing you do will make them stay together. They will resist the second you let go, pushing against themselves with tension in the opposing direction. Unknowingly, a lot of people do this to themselves with goal setting. They create goals in situations and with lifestyles that are polarizing and doomed to not mesh.

But if you flip those exact same magnets around, you get an attraction so strong it acts as a sort of glue, You almost can’t keep them apart. This is what we want: Positive Tension. Magnetic Goals. It’s one thing to say it however, and quite another to figure out how to apply it.  

Creating a ‘Magnetic Goals’ Environment

Creating reachable goals is all about curating an environment that is designed to make it as hard as possible to fail. That doesn’t mean setting the bar so low that it’s a tripping hazard in hell; because that’s not a goal. But it means setting yourself up as much as possible for attainable success. Its about creating tension, especially if you’re an ADHD’r like me. That tension is going to keep you engaged, which is crucial to meeting goals.

A roadmap to Magnetic Goals

Actionable steps:

The first step to setting magnetic goals is to break up bigger goals into actionable steps. By actionable steps I mean physical things you can do. We’re not listing out all the passive things outside our sphere of influence or how the stars need to align for something to happen. I was first introduced to this concept in my freshman year of college, but it didn’t hit home until I took an accountability class that was actually taught by my cousin, Angela Totman.

This is the biggest step I find I can take to curate success. It prevents the big picture from seeming like too much or too far away, thereby causing that pesky paralysis. In a way, it goes without saying. But I’m going to say it anyways: baby steps. Take whatever your goal is and break it down into the smallest steps possible. For me, not only is it much easier to “take the next step” than it is to contemplate climbing Everest. But also, each tiny achievement reinforces the bigger goal. Over time, that will help rewrite the personal narrative you have told yourself about your success for who knows how long.

The Risk of Losing Magnetism

When magnets get too far apart, what happens? They stop pulling towards each other, their gravitational influence ends, tension is lost, and they collapse. Your goals are exactly the same. If your bigger goal is miles and miles away from your current capacity now- it will seem so grand that it becomes separate from yourself. Because I could never do that! As a result, you don’t even try. Why would you if you’ve already written yourself off?

But if your goal is just a little bit outside of your current capacity, you can stretch yourself that little bit. All of a sudden- that’s worth trying for. There’s tension when something is just out of reach. And then you just have to do it again and again and again.

Be specific.

Uber specific. Let’s say your bigger goal is to buy a house. Your actionable steps might be get your credit score up, talk to a mortgage professional about what you’d need to qualify, save up for a down payment, and talk to a realtor.

That’s a great place to start: smaller chunks, physical things, sorted in order of urgency. But it’s not enough. There’s a lot of grey area left there for inaction. I don’t know about you, but if there’s a loophole, my brain will find it. Quantifying what each of these steps looks like is the only way to tell you when you’ve hit the next step. That was something Angie was big on: It had to be measurable. She called it getting in the weeds.

You need to define each of those actionable steps. Sometimes those steps require micro steps of their own- but this is how you build your road map. A better example of the previous list is: Get your credit score up 80 points by talking to a credit specialist and following their advice. Research mortgage companies to decide who you’d like to use and make an appointment for a consult; take action on any steps they give you. Set aside $100 from each paycheck into a savings account until you reach $______. Talk to a realtor about what you’re looking for in a home and what kind of loan you are looking at with the downpayment you have saved.

Set yourself deadlines for each step:

This kind of feeds into being specific but I have time blindness on a monumental scale, so to me this is worth noting separately. If you are not explicit with deadlines you will say “someday” forever. Instead try “I’m going to make an appointment with the credit specialist tomorrow”. “I am going to have my credit score up 80 points in 6 months by following the list of steps they gave me”. Be realistic, but specific.
I work better under the pressure of a deadline and that deadline allows me to hover in the sweet spot of ‘baby steps’ meets ‘I can do anything under pressure’. That’s the ‘magnetic goals’ tension we want.

Create routines that support each step through habit stacking:

Routine is so HARD when you have ADHD. It’s boring, it’s not stimulating. There’s zero novelty in it and therefore no dopamine. If there’s no dopamine, there’s no productivity. I have struggled with this and the resulting dopamining my ENTIRE life. My need for structure combined with my utter inability to build lasting routines led for the longest time to deep feelings of anger and shame towards myself “what is so hard about this?”, “Why can’t I just do it?”, “What, am I stupid?”

Two books shattered my understanding of this. A combination of habit stacking behaviors and the compound effect gave me not only a better understanding of positive reinforcement in the brain, but also gave me the grace to allow myself to succeed a little at a time instead of feeling guilt that I couldn’t do it all at once. One percent better every day is momentous growth compared to no growth at all because you’ve paralyzed yourself with a lack of systems. I have both books listed in the resources below.

Surround yourself with supportive and like minded people:

This is crucial. We’re talking about creating environments of success, and the people you surround yourself with are central to that.

At least one person that is farther ahead in your goal than you are:

someone whose tail feathers you can grab onto to keep you engaged and retain that tension. Even better if you can get them to take you under their wing. If your goal is more niche- you might be limited to following them on social media but even better if you can find someone in your community. More or less, a mentor or close competition. If you’re really dedicated, find both.

An accountability buddy:

In some ways this sounds so silly, and it can be uncomfortable if you’re an introvert like me. Pick someone you’re comfortable being honest with, accountability doesn’t work if you’re sugar coating the truth. You want somebody that is supportive of your goal, will hold you accountable, but will also be encouraging when you mess up, otherwise the ‘accountability’ can be confidence undermining. If you don’t have someone like this in your life, this is where accountability coaching can be helpful because it teaches you to be better accountable to yourself.

A Supportive community:

you can only control your environment to a certain extent. You still have to go to work, you still have to interact with society, you can’t control what other people say or think. People are People, so you’re going to encounter negativity and disbelief. The bigger the goal, the more you’re going to get. One of the best things I learned from my time with World Wide Dream Builders is ‘the solution to pollution is dilution’.

The more positive, supportive people you have in your corner, the easier it is to dilute the negativity you can’t control and stay focused on your magnetic goals. This doesn’t mean tell everybody about your goal. In fact, it’s better if you don’t. Studies show that sharing goals too much or too early can trigger early dopamine reward, reducing your motivation to reach them. Pick a few select people to share with.

Resources for Magnetic Goals:

Angela Totman:

Angie has a 20 year career in financial education and entrepreneurship training. She is a speaker, writer, financial coach and systems and accountability expert. The co-author of Your Financial Mastery, a college level financial literacy curriculum. Angela is also a featured contributor in Think and Grow Rich for Women, written by international bestselling author, Sharon Lechter, in cooperation with the Napoleon Hill Foundation. She is the Founder of Hero Life Alliance and Vice President and COO at Pay your Family First. Angela has dedicated her career to empowering others through educational programs and practical application of tactical action steps to drive results.

Her accountability course really helped me break down some mental barriers and set the stage for future successes by understanding where I was shooting myself in the foot. She was the person that helped me understand the difference between ‘setting a goal’ and ‘creating Magnetic Goals’. She has one of the best Grit mentalities I’ve ever seen and the discipline to match it. And If you can’t tell- I trust her a lot. You can find more about her on LinkedIn, Facebook, or her website for the Hero Life Alliance.

Atomic Habits by James Clear:

one of two books that entirely shifted my understanding of how to build lasting habits and systems. This book is a wonderful read, though in some ways it was hard because there’s just so much truth in it. Atomic Habits taught me the principle of Habit Stacking that I referenced above. After reading it I felt like someone had been gatekeeping this information from me for my entire life. This is one of those books that made me question the education system and ‘why isn’t this taught in school?!’. I reread it regularly. If you want magnetic goals, this is where I’d start.

The Compound Effect Darren Hardy:

The other of two books that changed my perspective on creating habits and the power of consistency. There are so many useful apply-in-the-moment exercises, it really helped me put things into place and explained concepts in a way that made sense. You can purchase a copy of the book and find more tips and tricks on Darren Hardy’s Website.

Grit by Angela Duckworth:

This book is so fascinating, it was the first time I really reflected on my ability to believe in myself and trust my own word. This was when I stopped referring to myself as a quitter and started actively exercising my grit muscle, because it was the first time I’d ever heard it referred to as a muscle. Ms. Duckworth’s book was the first thing that ever described it in a way that made me understand that it was something I could cultivate even though I didn’t feel like I was born with it.

Goals by Zig Ziglar:

Zig Ziglar was a famous motivational speaker, and many of the mindset quotes you’ve probably seen me post on our Instagram are from him. He is the author of over 17 personal development and success books. You will find him referenced by a lot of other Grit Paragons in the modern world. While he passed in 2012 this book remains relevant and is a great source of positive input for your ‘dilution tank’. This book specifically covers some of the things I have found most useful in great detail.

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey:

This book is amazing because I am a hands on, learn-by-doing person and this book is actually a guided journal. It really helps with the practical application of elevating magnetic goals effectiveness.

The Power of Discipline by Daniel Walter:

I picked up this book because ‘discipline’ is something I have always struggled with, even with things I really want to do or complete, the mental toughness portion has always been a struggle for me. This book reframed some of my misconceptions regarding willpower and discipline.

Go for Stupid by Steve Sims:

I had the opportunity to hear him speak at The Refiners Conference in 2021 and I have been hooked on his content since. A self-labeled ‘Creative Disruptor’ I have never seen someone in his field convey information quite the way he does. He is also the Author of ‘Bluefishing, the Art of Making Things Happen’. This man has made a living for himself by setting ridiculous goals and achieving them. My favorite line of his is ‘how far can I take this?’

Go for Stupid covers how to ignore what others think and how not to shrink your goals in response to negative feedback and ‘gotcha’ culture. This book is PACKED with truth bombs and useful tips. He’s also a very useful person to follow on social media. It may sound a little backwards since I’m talking about creating tension by using small steps to create magnetic goals, but that requires you to have a big enough vision to excite you to action. This is the book for that. you can find more about Steve Sims on his website.

Don’t Get Overwhelmed

I know this was a ton of information, but I truly hope this can become a guide to setting magnetic goals that you can refer to later. Don’t let yourself become overwhelmed by the resources either. Pick one at a time. It definitely takes time too. Learning doesn’t happen overnight and its something that I will probably have to practice for the rest of my life, I feel like its worth it for how much of my life it affects, and how its changed my relationship with myself.

Like I said, I am by no means an expert. Far From it. But the resources I have listed above are all from people who ARE experts. I really encourage you to lean into their knowledge because its been life changing for me. Trust me, If I can do it, so can you.

Good luck!

-Mikaela

Do you feel like the world gets faster every day? Like no matter how quickly you move, or how you habit stack your day you’re just a little bit behind speed, rushing to catch up and get to the next thing on your to-do list? Do you frequently feel like, as happy as you may be, there’s always something right on the edge of your peripheral you’re missing, or missing out on? Do you struggle to stay grounded with all of the multitasking, multi-focusing that society expects everyone to maintain in modern society? 

ME TOO.

I’ve spent a lot of time feeling that way. Even if I enjoyed what I was currently doing or working on, part of my brain was always focused on whatever my next “thing” was. Next idea, next obligation, next appointment.  The constant mental dialogue and running “to-do” list in my head not only led me to be distracted all the time, but anxious and tired. I would miss important details in conversations, zone out, or when looking back on positive experiences, be mad that I couldn’t remember the details as much as I wanted to. 

I get over stimulated easily, and really struggle with anxiety; especially in loud spaces (I recently discovered Loop Earplugs- and they have become my best friends). If you knew me as a child this is 100% ‘a catch 22 meets irony’ moment. Focusing my attention without getting overwhelmed by the sheer volume of stuff (good stuff, bad stuff, exciting stuff, boring stuff, chores, ideas, music lyrics, internal monologue, anything and everything stuff) in my head is a frequent challenge. I struggle to feel grounded and mellow. I do not hold still well, never have (except for when I accidentally zone out standing in front of a bookshelf and don’t move for an hour and a half because I’m staring into space). 

If this is starting to sound a lot like a severe case of ADHD…. Well, surprise, surprise; turns out I do in fact suffer from ADHD. Who knew? BUT this isn’t an ADHD self- diagnoses post. In fact, if you suspect you may have ADHD I cannot urge you enough to seek out a medical expert and get tested instead of schlogging through hours of articles and tiktoks or instagram posts. While there’s nothing wrong with doing your own research, I think it is better to see a specialist.

I avoided getting tested because it seemed too complicated and quite frankly a little part of me was afraid of it. I was afraid of what it indicated, and what feedback I might get from certain people in my family. But that’s a discussion for another day. Having finally decided to get tested at the ripe old age of 27 and get not only an answer, but help for some of the aspects that have been causing me issues, I wish I had done so sooner. Not just for the sake of knowing, but because I am learning that there are so many things I could have made easier for myself sooner, and in some ways I was fighting a battle with myself that I didn’t need too. I’ve been able to out hack my brain in certain areas as a result of learning more about the actual science behind ADHD and what it means in my day to day life. 

And while I am still learning, and still have things I need to work on (like time blindness), I have a better understanding of HOW to set myself up for success and how to help me get what I need. I also have more patience for myself and I’m learning to have a certain amount of grace with myself. It’s taken stress off of me, and by extension, my family. 

Which brings me to my real point. I reencountered something that I have on some level been aware of for most of my young and adult life but never really used or practiced. Now, at a much different point in my life, its been retaught to me and am learning to use as a tool when I get overstimulated, when I panic, when everything is just going too fast. It’s not specific to ADHD. Anybody can practice it and use it. Honestly, I think everybody should. The positive side effects are endless, and the process itself is relaxing. Its been an absolute game changer both mentally and emotionally; but also physically and spiritually. 

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE ART OF MINDFULNESS AND MEDITATION.

Sounds fancy. Sounds New Wave. Sounds like the kind of thing practiced by hippies in the 70’s or gate-kept by rich tech moguls with an excess of time on their hands. Or at least, that’s how I felt every time the head sensei of my dojo or my yoga teacher talked about it when I was a kid. It was ‘hippie woowoo’ and way over my head. 

I didn’t have the patience or the attention span for it, and at 11 I couldn’t fathom how on earth thinking about how learning to let go of your thoughts could make you feel present in the moment, or how “letting them go” could really calm my mind or my body. I couldn’t even figure out what ‘letting the thoughts go’ really meant. 

11 year old me was like “If I could do that, I would, trust me. I can’t just turn my brain off” 

Young adult me also tried to dabble in meditation for a brief period of time around the age of 22 at a Tibetan Cultural Center in Phoenix, Arizona. I had slightly better success, but not by much. At that point, I was more receptive to the idea and I was fascinated by the concept, but I could just never get the practice to stick. Partially because habit forming is really hard when you have ADHD it turns out, but mostly because part of the meditation practices I was attending went through a process of acknowledging the body and its sensations as part of the opening. They did this through a process of focusing your attention to each area in turn and really turning your attention to how your body feels. This was at a time when I was really struggling with getting my Fibro Myalgia under control. I had a particular ongoing problem with my legs and I had spent a lot of time trying to teach myself to IGNORE my body and the sensations attached to it to try and keep myself calm, and that part of the process was acutely uncomfortable for me bordering on panic inducing. So I didn’t stick with it. I wish I had. 

FAST FORWARD

I’m about a year into practicing now. And I’ll tell you why it has become one of the biggest tools in my belt. (It EVEN helps me overcome the nerve pain sensations I was struggling so hard to ignore). 

You can do it anywhere. At home. In your cubicle at your desk. In your car at lunch. In the bathroom hiding from your kids. In your kitchen while you cook. Practicing mindfulness and meditation does not mean sitting cross-legged for hours in a dim room in silence. You can if you choose to, but it’s not like you’ve either reached a buddha state of enlightenment or you haven’t. Meditation is a constant practice, and you can practice it to whatever degree is useful to you. It’s not a destination or something you can achieve, but instead you can pull out of your back pocket whenever and use as much as you need to. 

Once you understand the principle of it, anything can be meditative. I do enjoy sitting meditations, but there’s also walking meditations, laying meditations, and interactive meditations. 

What feels like the biggest secret ever kept to me is what mindfulness and mediation actually is. Its not some big fancy right or wrong process full of mojo and specific processes. Stated simply, Mindfulness is the practice of being aware of one’s thoughts, feelings, sensations, and environment in the present moment, without judging or evaluating them.  

Meditation is a tool used to practice mindfulness. It is taking a second to breathe, to center yourself, to observe your surroundings. To acknowledge when you feel overstimulated, or anxious, or tired, or even happy. Mindfulness is the practice of allowing yourself to feel whatever it is that you feel in the present moment and acknowledge the emotion or feeling for what it is without feeling guilty or angry. Sometimes half the emotional spiral is how you feel about your feelings. Mindfulness helps to work through that. It helps create the tiny bit of a barrier that I sometimes need to work through something. It removes me from the feeling just enough to allow me to examine it calmly, and in the privacy of my own thoughts. In some ways, its more about being intentional with your thoughts and actions than being some uber calm zen guru. 

It costs you nothing to practice. And it does take practice. 5 minutes here. 2 minutes there. 45 seconds here. 10 minutes. 20 minutes. The more you practice, the easier it gets. 

I started with focused meditation. I set aside 5 minutes a day to reflect and to go through the process of meditating. It was awkward and I was bad at it and it felt weird. It did. But the more I did it, not only did I get better at it and start seeing the benefits of it but I also began to see different ways I can do it. 

Overwhelmed making dinner because your family is settling in for the night? its loud, people are asking you questions, the kitchen is already a mess and you’re trying to keep track of the things you still need to do tonight while setting up your to-do list for tomorrow to include any of today’s overflow and how to prioritize the most important things on that list? Feel like your heart is going a million miles and hour and it might rupture because you’re not actually a racehorse? Now I can breathe a few times, focus on the crunch of carrots when I chop them, feel the weight of the knife in my hand, smell the rosemary in the pan and remind myself that I am making dinner right now, and that makes dinner the most important thing on my to-do list. And therefore I can focus my attention on the moment and what I’m doing instead of everything I need to do or haven’t done. 

Does it work every time? No. That’s why it is called practicing meditation. But it has greatly bolstered my ability to regulate myself instead of needing somebody else to help me do that. 

Additionally, Meditation has also been show to decrease stress, promote emotional health, lengthen your attention span, reduce age related memory loss, help fight addiction, increase sleep health, control pain, and decrease blood pressure. 

It slowly and gently teaches you to be more aware and more open in the present moment. I do feel less ambiently anxious and less rushed. And when I do still feel overwhelmed, I have something at my fingertips that can take the edge off. 

The practice of being mindful is not a new concept. It has been integrated in the Hindu religion for millennia. The concept of “mindfulness” traces to the Pali words sati, which in the Indian Buddhist tradition implies awareness, attention, or alertness, and vipassana, which means insight cultivated by meditation. It didn’t truly migrate and gain popularity in the United States until the 1960’s with its more medical approach being introduced by John Kabat-Zinn in 1979 when he started his Stress Reduction Center at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. 

There are a number of different styles of mindfulness and meditation, but the overall concept is the same. The hardest part for me, of beginning to practice and find out more about the mindfulness concept was getting out of my own head, and being unafraid to ask questions and meet new people; something I don’t always excel at. As well as finding information that resonated with me.  

There is SO MUCH information out there which is both a pro and a con. You don’t have to look very far, but the sheer amount of resources can be overwhelming for someone who is unsure where to start.  

If you are interested in starting your own journey, below are some of my favorite resources- from books to do some more learning to audio programs with guided meditations for beginners. I hope that this helps make the journey a little less daunting.  

1. An Invitation to Meditation by Howard Cohn. This is a VERY short easy read. Bordering on Poetry. This really helped me breakdown that feeling of unattainability surrounding meditation. I had the opportunity to meet him at a Meditation event in Phoenix and it was him that sat down with me and answered some questions and helped me work through the struggles of focusing ON my body instead of ignoring it. He gave me the copy of the short book as a gift.  
2. Mindfulness Minutes on the Fitbit Premium App. There are sooooo many different meditation apps out there on the market. I am partial to this one because it syncs with the rest of my fit bit, and I find it fascinating that I can see the correlation between my heart rate and my meditation sessions after the fact. Additionally the library has hundreds of different length and topic meditations for those just figuring it out. anywhere from 20 minute longer sessions to 2 minutes breathing exercising. Cooking meditations, shower meditations, focus meditations. Great for somebody like me who really needs that guided portion because your attention span is shorter than that squirrel from ‘Over the Hedge’. 
3. The waking up app. This one is something my Fiancé uses more than I, but I’ve listened to a lot of them. The bonus to this particular app is it was written and designed by Sam Harris who is a Noted Philosopher, Neuroscientist, & Author. You will notice that his name appears multiple times on this list. This App also includes a number of vintage recordings by Alan Watts, those are worth the membership themselves. The talks are fascinating and I could listen to the man speak for hours.  
4. Waking up by Sam Harris. The book of the same name by Sam Harris is another amazing resource for those of you who prefer to read and be able to make notes in margins, save/ highlight things.  
5. John Kabat-Zinn’s Masterclass on Mindfulness. This was an amazing experience, straight from one of the leading experts themselves. Broken up into small bites sized pieces. He has over 40 years of teaching experience and is basically the father of the Medically applied concept. He is an expert at saying things in simple layman’s terms that are easy to understand and digest.  

If you are just starting your journey, I’d love to hear if any of these help you as much as they do me. If you’ve been practicing for a bit, I’d love it if you’d chime in with any other resources that have been incredibly helpful to you. the art of intentionality and mindfulness has so many applications and uses. If nothing else I think it helps make us more self-aware and as a result, kinder, better people with more compassion for ourselves and others. It can be hard to stay in the moment. It can be hard to find inner peace with everything going on in the larger world and around us. This has helped me find peace in a lot of ways. What would having the ability to flip a switch and find peace do for you? What would that inner calm help you do during your day? 

See you on the journey!  

With love, 

Mikaela